Friday, February 5, 2010

I Wanna Sleep Like a Baby

This is how I wanna sleep this weekend. This week was an emotional rollercoaster. Let's just say, I'm glad it is over. However, I know I'm a better person, wife, mother and daughter because of having to work through these issues. As much as I HATE conflict, I know "Conflict produces change" - Beth Moore.  I usually don't write anything too heavy on my blog because I'm kind of a "Pollyanna" type, but I don't want to be put on a pedestal either. I'm not super mom, I fail every day. I do the best I can with the tools I've been given and the Holy Spirit as my guide. So, I'm going to recap my week very quickly and in general terms so as not to offend anyone involved.

It all started last weekend at scrapbook camp, where I had to discipline my son over the phone. God used my sister to help me come up with the perfect consequence(s) that would speak to him. I called hubby, who was home with the kids and he had the fun (sarcasm) job of implementing it. After I had calmed down, I was able to talk to Josiah that night and I felt like I really reached his heart (to me that is the whole goal of parenting). One conflict down.

When I got home, my hubby and I had an arguement about another matter we've been dealing with for months now. We started talking again the next day and we were able to get to the bottom of that issue (finally). Again, not fun at the time, but God used it to really get us on the same page.

Scrapbook camp also brought out some issues about our parents divorce (happened when Stacie and I were 10 years old) that I thought we had completely dealt with, but apparently it hadn't. We've been working through it together this week, as well as talking with each of our parents about what really happened and our feelings about it. I really thought it was my sis who was having the most trouble with the whole thing. That was until last night. I think the divorce effected me worse than I thought it had. I woke up from a dream last night that was so real, it truly scared me. I felt like I was having a panic attack, the pain I was feeling was exactly like when I found out that my parents were going to divorce. I had forgotten how bad it was. I had dreamt that my hubby wanted a divorce and there was nothing I could do about. No amount of pleading could change his mind. It was made up. I remembered so well that powerless feeling of not being able to make my parents stay together. I really felt an evil oppression in my mind and so I got out of bed and started praying that God would send his angels to protect me and that the Holy Spirit would renew my mind and let me have a heart of courage regarding my marriage, not of fear. Please understand that my husband had done NOTHING to plant these feelings in my heart. It was totally Satan attacking my mind, planting thoughts and trying to build on my insecurities. Well, praise God, it didn't work. I immediately felt the peace of God fill me when I prayed. I was able to go back to bed, snuggle with my husband and fall asleep once again.

So, I'm praying my tests are all over with this week, because honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take. God is so good though. He truly has restored the years the locusts have eaten, turned ashes into beauty once more, blessed me with the most amazing and loving step parents, and given me a determination to be as committed to my marriage and parenting as I can possibly be so that my children hopefully will never have to experience this same pain. How's that for honesty?

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and that you sleep like babies in HIS ARMS!

Love and Blessings,
Jackie

25 comments:

Civilla said...

Yes, my parents split up back in the 50's (yes!) and I know how that feels. I was about 7. I remember the fearful oppressed feeling. I have had a good marriage, though, 40 years this year.

Camille said...

OH Jackie ~ What a week you've been through! The Lord is SO good and faithful and He NEVER gives us more than we can bear. How wonderful that HE is our Loving Heavenly Father and we can completely trust HIM in everything.

It doesn't matter when divorce happens it is always ugly ~ definitely not of the Lord. My parents divorced after 30 years and we all feel it still. It will be 15 years this year and there are still consequences to the whole thing.

BUT God IS faithful and HE does ALL THINGS well ~ we can trust HIM.

Your children are blessed that they have such a committed Dad and Mom who are looking to the Lord together for all that they need. Blessings upon blessings. We do not need to model perfection before them...we need to be real and part of that is owning our mistakes and praying together with them. I have found that children are extremely forgiving and tender when we allow ourselves to be real and up front with them about our own sin. You are so right ~ we want the Lord to have their hearts!

Have a lovely weekend!
Blessings,
Camille

Andi (RrlScrapGal) said...

Oh Jackie...
My parents divorced when I was 5, and my sisters were 4 and 2... It was always a roller coaster..always confusing wanting to know which parent was telling the truth because the stories never matched.. Keep in mind, my parents had a bitter divorce, and one of them was not 'adult' enough to let us love the other parent without being fed bad stories and basically evil behavior toward the other adult.

I think we never know the real truth about what happens between two adults - their love life, their disagreements and what pulls them apart.

I mean, what if you found out your mother or father had an affair? Or, did something immoral that the other could not tolerate? The info doesn't do you any good.

It's best to let those things stay in the past. It is their business, and I think loving parents do their best to not share the 'ugly things' that they did with their children, no matter what age.

Peace be with your heart...

Olivia and Me said...

yhummm Jackie.. can we talk? I'll email ya.

with love,

Olivia

Cat said...

Oh, Jackie, I am praying for you!

Mich said...

Wow! What a week. Hang in there, girl. God is faithful.

blessings and prayers

He & Me + 3 said...

Thank God His arms are strong and can carry the weight of our worries. I pray peace over you and your family.
Sleep like a baby!
Hugs,
Mimi

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I hope I can sleep like that, too. This week has been awful, but healing at the same time. I just know God is going to help us with this and teach us to forgive even more than we already thought possible. Love you so much and so glad that I didn't have to go through this alone this week.

I'm so proud of the way you handled Josiah. I know he is truly learning from all of this.

Amanda Sikes said...

Praying that God blesses you with a peaceful weekend full of rest and family time.

Thanks for following my blog! I can't wait to get to know you more.

...they call me mommy... said...

(((HUGS))) My dh's parents are going through a nasty divorce...he is one of 12 children...it is SO hard!!

Prayed for you!

RaD said...

What a sweet picture, I love when kids sleep in odd positions.

I'm sorry you had a rough week, my friend. It's never fun to deal with our emotions or the things we thought we had buried long ago, but God does bring about these weaknesses to make us stronger. And since you were already a strong woman you must be like supergirl now!

The Real Me! said...

It truly is the outlook we have when we are going through trials that determine how we will deal with them and what we will learn in the end.
It sounds like you had the right frame of mind no matter how hard it has been.
Trials are no fun and we've been through our share already this year.
But God is so much bigger than our trials and will always pull us through.
Big hugs to you!
Kim

Sarah said...

Weeks like the one you just had are tough, Jackie! Especially compounded with your dream; dreams like that really frighten me too! Thank the Lord that you prayed right away! I am certain that next week will be kinder to you!

God Bless

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Jackie, what a tough week. One of those refining ones, Huh?
I have had dreams similar to the one you had and they are so real and so scary. Thank goodness we have the Lord to turn to when these fears grip us!

Praying for you!

Tina said...

What a precious, transparent post. How wonderful God is to wrap us in His arms just at the time we realize that we need it. (And how wise that you knew to run to His arms of comfort rather than being tempted, as we all are, to pull away and stay within ourselves like a child who desparately wants a parents' hug but won't allow himself to relax in the parents arms.) Praying that you'll enjoy a weekend of rest and peace.
In His love,
Tina

Connie said...

A very encouraging testimony - God's ways do work (prayer, seeking Him, forgiveness)!

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

Oh, you all don't know how loved I feel right now. I truly feel your prayers. I appreciate everyone of your encouraging comments. I slept a lot better last night. It was wonderful! I only had one bad dream, but I was able to turn it around in my head much quicker this time.

I know so many of you can identify and I'm praying for each of you who have shared about their pain as well. This is all still raw but I feel like I'm truly healing from the inside out, PTL.

God Bless each of you!

Love,
Jackie

Rachel and Family said...

I really liked your post.

Sometimes the only time God can get our attention is at night, when we're still and surrendered.
He must know what a willing soul you are.

And you've reminded me of the special attention I need to be giving to the kids of divorce in our Corps.

Angela said...

This was a beautiful powerful post glorifying our Father EVEN in the storms of life. I loved how you used scripture to share the truth in the battles of life, how it does bring healing into our lives and yes,,beauty for ashes!!

christy rose said...

I am so glad that you recognized the attack of the enemy and stood up to his lies. Don't you just love it that in Christ, we always have the victory. I pray that you sleep like a baby all this week. :)

Rosemi said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog.My parents also divorced whe I was 19. I remember a similar nightmare I had about my own marriage. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

I loved the pic of your sleeping babe.Sooo cute.

jlgoinggreen said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing your heart. I also come from divorced parents and have had that fear creep in about my marriage. The devil is a LIAR! I'm glad you were able to get God's peace and snuggle back with your DH. ;)

Lisa said...

I'm so glad we have a Father who cares and can carry us through the difficult times.

Hugs,
Lisa

Regina @VestPocketFamilyFarm said...

I'm glad you and Stacie were able to talk together with your parents about the divorce/aftermath. Perhaps to mend/deepen the love between all of you.

In the end though, you have to take the wounds to Jesus, whether the relationships are ever what they should have been. He is the one heals.

I've survived divorce twice, once as a child, once as a spouse. Neither time was I able to control the outcomes. Satan's attacks through divorce are as real as bricks through a window. Just as shattering.

Always pray when those bad dreams come. Jesus waits to hear us call.

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