This is how I wanna sleep this weekend. This week was an emotional rollercoaster. Let's just say, I'm glad it is over. However, I know I'm a better person, wife, mother and daughter because of having to work through these issues. As much as I HATE conflict, I know "Conflict produces change" - Beth Moore. I usually don't write anything too heavy on my blog because I'm kind of a "Pollyanna" type, but I don't want to be put on a pedestal either. I'm not super mom, I fail every day. I do the best I can with the tools I've been given and the Holy Spirit as my guide. So, I'm going to recap my week very quickly and in general terms so as not to offend anyone involved.
It all started last weekend at scrapbook camp, where I had to discipline my son over the phone. God used my sister to help me come up with the perfect consequence(s) that would speak to him. I called hubby, who was home with the kids and he had the fun (sarcasm) job of implementing it. After I had calmed down, I was able to talk to Josiah that night and I felt like I really reached his heart (to me that is the whole goal of parenting). One conflict down.
When I got home, my hubby and I had an arguement about another matter we've been dealing with for months now. We started talking again the next day and we were able to get to the bottom of that issue (finally). Again, not fun at the time, but God used it to really get us on the same page.
Scrapbook camp also brought out some issues about our parents divorce (happened when Stacie and I were 10 years old) that I thought we had completely dealt with, but apparently it hadn't. We've been working through it together this week, as well as talking with each of our parents about what really happened and our feelings about it. I really thought it was my sis who was having the most trouble with the whole thing. That was until last night. I think the divorce effected me worse than I thought it had. I woke up from a dream last night that was so real, it truly scared me. I felt like I was having a panic attack, the pain I was feeling was exactly like when I found out that my parents were going to divorce. I had forgotten how bad it was. I had dreamt that my hubby wanted a divorce and there was nothing I could do about. No amount of pleading could change his mind. It was made up. I remembered so well that powerless feeling of not being able to make my parents stay together. I really felt an evil oppression in my mind and so I got out of bed and started praying that God would send his angels to protect me and that the Holy Spirit would renew my mind and let me have a heart of courage regarding my marriage, not of fear. Please understand that my husband had done NOTHING to plant these feelings in my heart. It was totally Satan attacking my mind, planting thoughts and trying to build on my insecurities. Well, praise God, it didn't work. I immediately felt the peace of God fill me when I prayed. I was able to go back to bed, snuggle with my husband and fall asleep once again.
So, I'm praying my tests are all over with this week, because honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take. God is so good though. He truly has restored the years the locusts have eaten, turned ashes into beauty once more, blessed me with the most amazing and loving step parents, and given me a determination to be as committed to my marriage and parenting as I can possibly be so that my children hopefully will never have to experience this same pain. How's that for honesty?
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and that you sleep like babies in HIS ARMS!
Love and Blessings,